Saturday, June 18, 2005
sheesh. i don't feel too well. so hot and everything. sighs. but it's not about me. it's about the orange pail and the rest of the PCs present at the picnic... sheesh. HOW WAS IT. i mean, frankly. am i thinking too much? am i coming down too hard on myself? everyone else says it's like good and fun and everything but.. i just can't bring myself to believe so. it was totally out of control. it didn't go as planned, they all looked so bored. i mean, you call that being a good I/C? sheesh. this whole I/C thing is more difficult than i actually thought, fanthomed and imagined. oh sheesh. i'm just
sunburnt;
exhausted;
distraught
yet relieved
at the same time.
is this how i'm supposed to feel? i have no idea. everything just didn't go right.
ok, face it.
IT WAS SCREWED.
and i mean totally.
what was i doing there? just being stupid. and so much for being I/C. this whole thing. am i ready for it? i don't believe so. but. i have to be. it's that difficult. you know, this whole thing. it's confusing. i couldn't even sleep last night. i didn't fall asleep till like 0130hr. sheesh. then i woke up every hour after that. i just kept thinking about it. i had nightmares. and one of them almost came true. i totally couldn't keep myself together when i woke up with lightning flashing across the sky. i thought. what was this?! after i prayed so hard. for a moment, i even doubted God was there. and things didn't get any better when i called arica only to find out she has a high fever and her mom wouldn't allow her out. sheesh! i was practically frantic. how could i do it alone? i coudn't. i wouldn't be possible. thankfully, though, she managed to get out. then the real disaster began. it was a total nightmare. the entire time. i was lost. ok, they were bored. i was just distraught. wasn't at all a good experience. sigh. the way today played with my heart and mind was too much for me to handle.
it was
too deep
my dear orange pail-
please takekaire.
see, you don't want to listen to all of us. still swim in the sea. look what you have done. huh. you'd better not get hospitalised!! sheesh. 40.2 degrees. not something to fool around with ok! hope you're ok... sigh.
how long will i be waiting;
until the end of time
all messed up;
10:15 PM
